In Which McPeak Falls Off the Wagon and Must Kick Her Own Ass

Last week, I was ready to kick ass with being a Fruitarian.  I got three days in and realized that my stomach was kicking MY ass instead.  Over the weekend, I did a little more binge eating.  It was my anniversary, after all, and my in-laws were in town.  And while I'm at it, I may as well eat shitty food on Sunday and Monday, too - it WAS, after all, Labor Day Weekend, so why not?  Except that then I didn't go to work on Tuesday, either, because I had a belly-ache.  Seriously.  I wasn't even playing hooky.

Now it's Thursday and I'm still eating shitty food.  I still have a stomach ache.  And my mindset right now is that I don't give a fuck.  

I'm officially having a relapse.

This week, I listened to a Rich Roll podcast where he admitted to having a relapse with his alcoholism in...was it 2011?  I can't remember.  But the podcast was really truthful and transparent and REAL.  I found myself really identifying with his experience and feelings.  Not as an alcoholic, but as a person who has a PROBLEM with food.  

Which is not to say that I think I'm a food addict.  Although, how does one define ADDICTION when it comes to food?  Do you have to be a completely obese person to be a food addict?  Do you have to have eating disorder tendencies, like binge/purge?  Because I don't do that either.  

Or do I?  I've been known to purchase Super Dieter's Tea, or take my Super Cleanse tablets - when I have them - more often than not.  Does this make me an addict?  I'm not sure.

What I do know is that I've made really bad choices for a full week now.  I haven't weighed myself, taken measurements, or logged food since last Friday morning.  I have cravings, and yet I don't want to eat anything.  Even as I'm writing this, I'm propped up in my bed and my stomach is turning, churning, jumping, and thumping.  Am I hungry?  Maybe.  Is the Pepto Bismol working?  It could be.  Am I motivated to do anything about it?  I don't know.

In that podcast I referenced, Rich and Julie Piatt (his amazing wife) talk about shame and forgiveness.  I think the title of the podcast is "Shame Can't Survive the Light."  Am I ashamed of my food choices this past week?  Fucking A.  Can I take it back?  Shit, no.  Am I strong enough to move on?  I have to be.  Because this is a quest to discover My Best Self.  This is my exploration of food and fuel, for the sake of my family's business venture.  This is my goal to be a fast, strong, efficient runner and age-group athlete.  And there are no excuses.  

Rich says, “Shame craves the darkness. To overcome it, bring your past into the light and own it.”

You, the readers.  Listen up.  Whether you read my blog posts all the time or you are just reading now.  Or maybe no one is reading this and I'm just writing for myself.  Well, listen up, self.  I'm bringing this shitty food week into the light.  And exposing it.  And fucking getting over it.  

http://www.richroll.com/podcast/overcoming-shame/

To quote Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day."  God damn right.